Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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