when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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