If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
