I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
