You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
