you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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