I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
