We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
