I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
