I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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