In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
