She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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