I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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