I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
