Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
