did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
