I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
