Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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