How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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