Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
