just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
