I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
