I could make wine with my vomit
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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