Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
