wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
