I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
