how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
