you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
