apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize