i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
