I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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