We won't sleep together?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
