Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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