even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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