tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
