You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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