: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
