then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
