Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
