First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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