Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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