shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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