This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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