It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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