apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
