I wannas sexs uuuuu
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
