the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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