I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
