I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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