I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
